“We live in an age in which there is too much information, less knowledge and even less wisdom. The ration needs to be reversed. We definitely need less information, more knowledge, and much more wisdom.”
– Elif Shafak
Television was only introduced countrywide in South Africa at the beginning 1976. I was 6 years old. Looking back, I consider myself lucky to have spent my early childhood years playing outside free of the addictive quality of moving images. Bouts of boredom fed my imagination. My mother loved to tell me how I never ripped the pages of books or magazines as a very young child, but would stare at the pictures and words, motionless, for extended periods of time. Growing up on a farm, I spent my childhood playing outside. There were no friends, except for brothers much older than me and a younger sister, until I started school in 1976.
I loved school. But hated the hostel. I remember how I prayed on a Monday morning for the road to town to never end. A week was too long. I felt awkward among so many people, and was always looking for corners to hide in.
As an introvert I escaped into books. Studying. Learning. The library was my favourite space.
Farms shared phone lines. Our phone number was 2930. The 29 stood for the line number; the 3 for the number of short rings; and the 0 for the number of long rings with pauses in between. Landlines and written letters or telegrams were the only way to communicate.
In my early 20s my boyfriend at the time, would regularly catch a lift with friends from Bloemfontein on their way to Cape Town. We would agree to meet at a petrol station in Beaufort West on a specific day at a specific time. I would drive the three hours from my home in George to fetch him. Often in the middle of the night.
I was 28 when I got my first cell phone. Suddenly there was no need for a landline and answering machine anymore. People could reach me no matter where I was.
When I moved to Taiwan at age 29 I was introduced to email. No one I knew had an email address, so the account a roommate from New Zealand helped me to set up, soon fell into disuse. The only way I could communicate was via letters, which was still the case when I moved to Korea the next year. I wrote the equivalent of blog posts, which I photocopied for each person with a personal note attached before mailing them off.
Living in a foreign culture was isolating in many ways, so I reached out to those I loved with stories of my life. But people were so busy with their own lives that hardly anyone made the time to write back.
When I moved to the UAE in 2011 I started blogging as a way in which to share my experiences with my family and friends. Hardly anyone subscribed. It took a while for me to get over the disappointment and refocus my intention. My emotional well-being improved when I started to view it as an online journal – a way for me to document memories. A gift to myself. Surprisingly enough it also gifted me with an online community of bloggers, some of whom I now consider cyber friends. A happy band of mostly introverts with the compulsion of sharing our journeys, insights, and thoughts.
I lived and travelled happily without a smart phone, until my sister insisted on me taking over an old one of hers three years ago. On those trips I could leave my life behind and immerse myself completely in a new culture, without the constant ability to share my every move.
Fast forward to March 2020. The pandemic and lockdowns caught all of us off-guard. Most people suddenly had more time on their hands than what they knew what to do with. Life moved online. There was no longer a place to escape to where one couldn’t be reached. Where once I longed for interaction with friends and family, I now yearned for peace and quiet.
I am cursed with being a responder. When I get a message, no matter what form it takes, I respond. Mostly sooner than later, as the longer I wait the bigger the chance I won’t, and it gets added to a list of things I have to do, which makes me anxious. More often than not it is a lengthy response. Apart from a handful of friends, who I love to communicate with as they generously share their lives with me, people tend to only ask questions (to which I feel obliged to respond), without sharing anything or hardly anything from their own lives in return.
The life I dreamed of creating for myself in Portugal was a simple one, but the one I found is anything but simple. My days are consumed with trying to get various people to finish the jobs they’ve started on the land (habitation licence; solar panels; pointing the house; building a stone wall; pruning the olive trees; removing rubble), or finding the right people for other jobs (cleaning up; milling wooden planks from a fallen tree; removing old fallen trees). Add to the list my own chores of painstakingly clearing dead growth among the lavender and rock roses, clearing brambles, cutting grass, and creating a vegetable garden. The house doesn’t clean itself, I don’t have someone to cook for me, wash the dishes, shop for me, or do my laundry. I write a blog post once a week, which sometimes involve days and days of research. To make sure my marriage survives, Michael and I chat on Zoom every day for an hour or two. Then there is my feeble attempt to study Portuguese, and start teaching private yoga classes online.
I want to record the virtual travel journey through the UAE I compiled and led last year in June and make it available online. There is a half written novel I ache to get back to, and another virtual travel series I’m doing research on when I’m not too tired. I’ve half-started learning how to use Affinity Publisher for another project.
My days are too short, I lack the ability to multitask (switching quickly between tasks), and above all I’m a slow worker. Writing doesn’t just effortlessly flow through me. And yes, I fall into bouts of procrastination often when I struggle to find a way into a project or task, and need extended moments of solitude to allow thoughts to formulate themselves into ideas and sentences.
I am yearning for a minimalist life. Less clutter – both physical and intangible. Less noise. Less superficial connection. More space to breathe and time to focus on the projects I love without interruption.
I’m taking the bold step to silence notifications on my phone, and I’ve already stepped away from any unnecessary social media. I’m doing my best to train myself to relegate communication to certain days or times in the day. To fight my innate urge to respond immediately, and extensively. To only give back what I receive. To place myself and my sanity first. A day after all, only has 24 hours, and I need at least 8 of those for sleep.
Connection to me is both a blessing and a curse. Learning how to live with the technology which facilitates it, so that it is more often a blessing instead of a curse, is my current challenge. My favourite channel of communication by far is my blog, and I love the feedback and stories I receive in return for pouring out my heart. It is here, interestingly enough, where I feel most a sense of community and support than anywhere else.
I am pushing back to create breathing space for myself.
Written by: Jolandi
Good luck with creating space! It’s the most important thing you do. Your days sound so incredibly busy. Over here, in contrast, nothing happens. This is an interesting account. When you reach the moment when you start blogging and your family and friends do not follow – oh yes, I remember that disappointment too. But then I realised that I started blogging for this very reason: since my mail to them with many photos of my daily life went unanswered. Here we receive comments and they sustain us. All well to you!
I feel much better knowing it wasn’t only me that had to deal with the disappointment of family and friends not interested in following my blog, Manja. Thank goodness for finding likeminded people in the blogging community who we can share our words and pictures with. It is such a joy. – Jolandi
Hello Jolandi,
I couldn’t agree any more with you on this subject! Like you, I was fortunate to spend my growing years in a world where “digital connections” didn’t exist, where personal time was indeed just that, and even going somewhere with friends was something that was planned in advance with the assumption that both parties would agree to show up on the agreed date. Compared to most of my contemporaries, my husband and I are considered to be in the “dark ages” when it comes to the internet. Even so, I find myself feeling “connection burnout” – for many of the same reasons that you so eloquently described.
I realize I am rambling (and please don’t feel obliged to reply!), but this really resonated with me. As always both of you are in our thoughts, and please do continue to take good care of *you*!
Oh no, you weren’t rambling at all, Takami. I so love hearing your thoughts and insights, while learning a bit more about your life. Thank you for always being so kind and supportive. It is soothing for my soul to have this connection with you. I think your photographs speak of how you manage to carve out quiet time for yourself, as they require so much patience to capture. We were definitely both blessed to know a world without this constant connection. I’m also glad to know that I’m not the only one to feel burnout because of it. Wishing you many happy, quiet moments in nature. – Jolandi
You and I grew up separated by miles and a decade, but every point you made here parallels my own experience. The similarity that hit me the hardest was the “responder” comment; I am an inveterate and prolific responder, and much of the time I get nothing, or very little, in return. Reclaiming some of that time for myself and my own projects (also similar to yours) is a priority. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on time and connection; I so enjoyed this deeper glimpse into your life and feelings.
I find it both fascinating and comforting to know that we had such similar experiences growing up, Lex. Blogging has definitely help me to feel less like a misfit, as it has allowed me to connect with people who often experience the same things I fret over. I hope that you and I both can find the courage to carve out the necessary time for our projects. I miss your writing. – Jolandi
Jolandi,
Again, this post really touched me. Growing up in different regions of the world, different childhoods and lives, I realize through the last two posts how similar we are. I too grew up buried in the library and in my books. I long for peace and quiet away from the noise of social media. I too, feel a deep responsibility to immediately respond to texts, emails and notes. I wish I didn’t. My aunt who is like my sister and I committed to each other several years ago to go back to writing the old fashioned letter, and I love it. I so look forward to her letters so I can grab a cup of tea and sit in quiet to enjoy the words she wrote on beautiful papers.
Your days sound endless, long and filled with chores and work. I wish you much luck in carving out some quiet time to finish and work on the things that bring you joy, peace and quiet.
Terri
I love these connections we are forging, Terri. It really warms my heart to discover so many similarities.
What a wonderful gift you and your aunt are giving one another through your commitment to write letters to each other. I can still remember the joy of receiving a letter, and like you point out there is so much more connected to the experience. Beautiful paper, the handwriting, perhaps even still the faint smell of ink. The experience is so much more immersive. I guess the way we communicate these days is a reflection of our obsession with instant gratification. Waiting for a response to a letter really is the complete opposite. – Jolandi
You are so right. Seems like an odd thing to say but, during this time of Covid and lockdown receiving a letter was extra special. Something about her touching the paper and me touching the same paper felt like a little bit of a hug and connection without us being able to spend time together.
Hope you are well.
Terri
What a lovely image, Terri – “touching the same paper felt like a little bit of a hug”.
Oh, Jolandi! I do sympathise with your current predicament! This first year in your new home, in a new country was always going to be difficult to manage and hard work and it is especially so for you at present, as you are coping on your own with all the day-to-day tasks. I have had times when I too, have been left dealing with all the home tasks when my husband worked away from home and my daughters were still living at home and too little to help me very much. There is only so much you can get done each day and you have to accept that some tasks will get left longer than you feel they should; you are not super-human! you have to prioritise and unfortunately, you have to defer certain jobs until you have time and help to get them done properly. Tradespeople are always a problem!
I also understand your need for time to yourself to deal with your anxiety. As I have said before, this pandemic has meant that I have virtually no time to myself with both my husband and younger daughter at home all the time. They are both anxious people and need me to be with them and listen to them when they become stressed. My way of dealing with stress is to go off by myself!
I think your best way of coping would be to treat your working day as if you were ‘at work’. Have set hours for your work and make sure you have proper breaks for rest and meals. Some days will have to be a little more fluid when you have tradespeople working with you on specific tasks or when the weather prevents you from doing something. Make sure you have at least one day off each week when you get to do the tasks you enjoy the most. Once Michael joins you, everything will be much easier I am sure. With love and best wishes,
Clare <3
Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your own memories of difficult times, Clare. It always makes me feel a bit more normal when I know that what I’m going through is not unique. The kindness that comes from people who genuinely understand soothes my soul in challenging times. Michael always reminds me that tradespeople, no matter where one is in the world, can often be a challenge to work with.
Like you, my way of dealing with stress is also alone time, so my heart aches for you, as I can only imagine how stressful your situation must be at times.
I really like your idea of treating a day as if I’m at work. It is definitely worth a try. Part of my problem is that I haven’t been good at giving myself a day off; something Michael has been fighting with me about. I have just booked a night away in a seaside hotel close to Lisbon for the evening before I have to pick Michael up from the airport when he comes for a three week visit at the end of April. I’m so looking forward to it.
Wishing you a beautiful and kind week. – Jolandi
A day off is a good way of recharging your batteries. You will have lots more energy afterwards. Enjoy your day at the seaside and Michael’s three-week visit xx
Thank you so much, Clare. I’m really looking forward to it.
Jolandi, I echo many of the sentiments you share with us here about how you deal with or respond to life. I’m an introvert myself, and although I’m still frequently logged in my social media accounts, I rarely post anything on them, except for my blog. For some reason, I feel that the connections I made with my blogging friends are more real and natural, and I have more space to share about things I care most on this platform. I’ve met some of them in person, and we’ve been close friends since then. When I travel, I never check my phone. Sometimes I do check my emails, but that’s because traveling to some places requires me to do that — for instance before arriving at my hotel in Kyoto, they sent me a code to my email to be used for the self-service check in procedures. But at work, I’m usually known as that guy who never checks his email outside working hours, because there are so many other things we can and should do instead. Thanks for writing about this!
It does seem that us introverts have found the perfect outlet in blogging, Bama. I really treasure these wonderful connections, and it is wonderful to know that you’ve met and became good friends with some of your blogging friends. If I ever find myself in Indonesia again, or if we ever find ourselves somewhere in the same part of the world, I hope that we too can share a meal or a cup of coffee.
I definitely salute you for being “that guy who never checks his email outside working hours”. It is a huge stand to make.
I must admit that I have found that travelling with a smart phone has made many travel realted logistics much easier.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I so love these interactions. – Jolandi
I can definitely identify myself with your post. It’s sometimes a curse to be a responder, I also find it disheartening when you send a message and you don’t get any response, especially from loved ones.
It’s very important to choose at different stages of our lives which part of technology to use to express ourselves and communicate with everyone.
How long to use it for per day or week and how much it influences our general wellbeing.
After all, I suppose the key is for us to always try and find our balance in life, and that includes technology nowadays.
Love the photos! I think you must have been ecstatic to always have a younger sister to teach out of phone books and bibles. No wonder I was tired of going to school even before I’ve started. 😅🤗❤️
Yip, poor little sister who had to endure so much. I wish I could say you were a good student, but you got tired long before I did. 🙂
Being a responder really is exhausting! Not to mention trying to find that balance in life.
Hi Jolandi! While your childhood was very different from mine (and thanks for sharing the memories from this time) I was struck by how much we have in common. I am also an introvert and struggle with the overwhelming aspects of social media and electronic connectivity. I don’t use Facebook (except for wishing happy bday to friends when I get a notification) or twitter, or instagram…But even just keeping up with emails, texts, WhatsApp and blogging can feel like full-time work. I love writing my blog and the connections I’ve made, but I get frustrated with how long it takes me to create posts, by how I am flooded my reader/inbox is with good posts that I want to read and properly comment on, but can’t always get to or do justice to. On balance though blogging has been such a wonderful experience. My initial motivation had been a continuation of chronicling my travel experiences (for myself/for my family) on an updated platform versus photo albums/written journals. I had no followers/likes for ages, and although it bothered me a bit, it was the love of writing and traveling that kept me going. Over the years, the bonds I’ve made with interesting folks like you are far more meaningful than my blog stats. It was something I hadn’t expected. The challenge now, like for you, is to find the needed balance and breathing space (says she who has fretted over this comment and spent way too much time writing/re-writing). Have a great day!
Oh, Caroline, how I can identify with fretting over comments, writing and re-writing them! I feel relieved to know it is not just me who is a slow writer. And definitely like you, I have found that my blog has gifted me, not with stats/likes, but kind, generous and interesting people who I feel a genuine connection with. I’m grateful for having found your blog and made this connection with you. I have also found that when I share my struggles as well as my joys, I feel less lonely and awkward, as we all so often deal with the same struggles, yet don’t necessarily talk about them. I hope we both find the breathing space we so crave. – Jolandi
And… after all that fretting and re-writing I noticed a terrible sentence where I had forgotten to delete some words. Sigh! Have a great day, Jolandi (or I guess evening for you)!
I haven’t even noticed. And it is exactly the kind of thing I’m prone to do, so once again, I feel a lovely kinship. I call Michael ‘Editor Bob’, as he has to spot my mistakes and errors, but I often publish posts before he had a chance. Better to get things out there than to be always perfect. – Jolandi
I can relate to a lot of your struggles, Jolandi. I think it’s very healthy to question what has become a way-of-life for countless people: a constant presence on social media that doesn’t even stop at nighttime. It can–and has–destroyed people’s well-being, but few are willing to swim against the stream. Good for you for deciding that you will not be held hostage to a completely artificial system we were not made for.
I hope you will continue to figure out your priorities and realize your dreams.
Best wishes for your ongoing journey.
Tanja
Thank you for your kind words, and beautiful wishes, Tanja. I so appreciate them. Good luck with your own struggles to find peace and well-being amidst all the demands that are being made on us. – Jolandi
Thank you, Jolandi! 🌷
I was happy not to have a cellphone back when everyone else seemed to carry one: but then my teenaged daughters went off to college in distant cities, and it seemed prudent to buy mobile phones for them. Of course, the mobile service salesman insisted we had to have a “family plan” and got me to buy one for myself as well. This started my rapid descent into connected everywhere 24/7—I couldn’t even walk the dog without hearing the chimes of my then-state of the art Nokia.
(And god forbid I should leave the phone at home: my kids and friends would scream, “Where were you? I’ve been trying to reach you for the last two hours!” As if not picking up was evidence I was dead or unconscious or kidnapped by a serial killer. Not to make light of my family’s concerns or the mobile phone’s usefulness in emergencies, but I can remember the times we traveled into remote places without knowing where the next phone booth would be, and nobody seemed worried back then.)
Anyway, I sighed and nodded while reading your post. I now have an iPhone which not only brings me my email and phone calls, but news of the world, videos of my kids as they camp in the Canadian woods or bicycle around Brooklyn, and the results of my latest medical test. I’m happy to be able to stay connected to my well-traveled children, but I stay well away from social media as I don’t need to hear opinions from complete strangers. I am very glad I discovered your blog about your life in the UAE, happier still to follow your adventures in Portugal. In short, I guess I’m saying that there’s nothing wrong with staying connected to people and the world as long as you are selective about your contacts. The problem comes when the internet becomes a portal for ignorance and evil to creep into one’s devices. Sometimes the only choice you have is to shut them off.
You are so right in that ignorance and evil can creep into our devices if we don’t watch out, especially with AI feeding us only part of a very nuanced story/world, Hangaku.
I had a good giggle when you described how, when people couldn’t reach you immediately, they had all sorts of over the top visions of what happened to you, while before they didn’t seem to worry at all when there was less connectivity. Our imaginations are so powerful, and I marvel at how quickly we have gotten used to the fact that we can (and feel we should) be connected all the time. So often a big part of the blame is our own innate tendencies. Technology definitely has it pros and cons like you point out so well. The challenge definitely is knowing how to limit our connection to a point where we feel comfortable, and to shut out all those voices that don’t serve us. – Jolandi
While it’s great to connect to folks who are different than us, I do appreciate that you and I are from a certain era — one in which I can totally get. When I was getting ready to travel up north for a short trip, a friend of mine kept trying to call me before I met up with her to give me logistical details, and even though I told her I almost always have my phone on airplane mode, she still tried to reach me. Finally, I called her back, exasperated and wondering what couldn’t be shared via text. I forget that folks use their phone for the very purpose that it is for. Hahahahaha.
That being said, I might have to link to your post as it is in line with a blog post I’ve been picking away at. Oh, that reminds me, have you thought about giving yourself ‘open hours’ for when you will respond to ppl? I try not to look at email at night and like you, I’m hardly on social these days. I feel bad, but seriously, folks know how to reach me if they want to talk! Right? xo
Link away, Lani. 🙂 It will be interesting to read about your musings.
I like your idea of ‘open hours’ to respond to messages. I’m still a bit all over the place, but thought to limit it to a specific time of the day or perhaps not even to respond daily. But I will definitely first have to have a word or two with the responder in me, because I’m sure she will throw a hissy fit.
Hahaha – I like your story about your friend using her phone for the purpose it is actually for. I much prefer texts to phone calls. Also it is quite interesting to see how anxious people can get about making sure details are shared, repeated and confirmed. I work hard at trusting people, instead of fretting about details, but I also fall into that trap at times. X
Hi Jolandi. It’s Crystal again. No matter what I do, I can’t get this site to recognize me as another WP blogger. I even downloaded a different browser to see if that would fix it. But nope. Oh well.
I’m jealous of your fans. I read through this entire post thinking how similar some of our experiences are, and then I read through all the comments and realize everyone thought the same thing. You’ve got a Blogosphere full of besties! But really, it says something about your writing, that you are able to connect us all. I find the whole story of your relationship with technology interesting, and I’m fascinated with the way you tie your journey to being an introvert. My college advisor (in 2004-07– I was late to the game) was fascinated with the construction of communities online. While his contemporaries were bemoaning the loss of communities while people left the real world and went digital, he was one of the first anthropologists to write papers about how communities and communication were still thriving, and the luddites simply didn’t know how to recognize it. I found I agreed with him, and that was before I began blogging and learned how rich this world can be.
You mentioned pouring out your heart. That’s why it hurts when our family and friends didn’t follow us. My own father never read my blog and my mother never had a computer. My brothers don’t read it either. I have one cousin who was on board right away, bless her heart. But like you and Manja, I had to take stock and devote my blog posts to my own need to write and my own exploration. Just like you said, that’s when the connections began.
Thank you for those DARLING pictures of yourself as a child. What a fascinating life you have led. Seriously. I am so glad we “met” and I can slowly learn more about you. Hugs.
Hi Crystal. Although I use WordPress as my platform, it is a paid version and hosted with Bluehost, which is why anyone commenting have to complete the comment form each time. As I understand it as a fellow WordPress blogger, you will only be recognised on the free platform. Makes sense? I’m not that savvy technically, but I think that is why it isn’t doing what you think it should be able to do. Also, the information each time to comment is to reduce spam. I should look at an app to reduce it, and perhaps then you would be able to comment without all the rigmarole, but everything I add costs extra money . . .
I love this blogospere full of besties! It is wonderful to be surrounded by likeminded people in various corners of the world. Like you, I’ve also learned that through blogging the world is full of people living amazing lives, and to be connected in this way is truly inspiring to me on so many levels. So when you mention that your family also don’t read your blog (like Manja mentioned too), I feel more comforted for instance. I’m also glad the Internet and blogging allowed us to connect in this way, Crystal. It is such a blessing. AND I’m glad you liked those pictures of me as a child. Big hug to you. – Jolandi